image courtesy of google.
As I enter week 34 – the final weeks of pregnancy - it is all coming back to me.
The nesting phase. The one where I can’t stand any clutter, any disorganization, any project left undone. I may or may not have thrown away a box full of old pictures and letters, given away clothes that I loved and may one day fit into again, and gotten rid of some household items I’d been saving forever. I don’t have time to sort or post things on craigslist. I’m just about sticking everything in a bag and driving to my local Goodwill. They call me by my first name there now. No they don’t. But give it another week. I’m glad my marriage has survived this phase.
The emotional roller coasters. I cry easily. I take things the wrong way. I overreact. Then I overreact to overreacting. I am blaming this ALL on pregnancy. None of this is my regular personality whatsoever. Okay, so maybe it is. But pregnancy definitely exacerbates it. I will just say – if you are 8 months pregnant, don’t watch “The Help.” You will cry your eyes out, which may be normal. But then you might have to go in the other room and cry for another half hour. Which is not so normal.
The case of the crazies. Suddenly, after months and months and months and months I realize the obvious. We are going to have a baby! And it freaks me out a little. With Caleb it was just the newness of it all. With this one, it’s knowing what is coming and adding a toddler to that equation. It's all the little details and questions with unknown answers. I know people do it all the time. And as Lisa pointed out, some people even have 18 kids … and counting. So I will be fine. God help me. Literally, God, please help me.
And in the midst of taking these jaunts down memory lane, I’m also reminded how much I have to look forward to. I loved labor. Even the pain and the pushing was all part of something so incredibly exciting for me. I find myself so eager to relive that day. The day you get to meet your baby for the first time.
I remember the little tiny moments that are just mine and Luke's. I hold them in my heart and, presumably until the day I die, they will always make me feel like the most blessed person on earth. The moment I was shaking on an operating table, about to meet Caleb for the first time. My aunt and uncle were in the room and my entire family was just outside the door (so close I could hear them) and all I could do was look up at Luke as he held my hand and believe him as he prayed for us and told us that we were going to be okay. The moment of hearing Caleb’s cry and then the eruption of joy outside the operating room door. The moment I held my baby ... my baby ... and he was perfect. The gratefulness, the awe, the happiness… it was all so effortless. I loved that feeling. How easy it was to be so aunthentically thankful. I’m looking forward to going back there again with this precious babe. I’m looking forward to seeing Luke be an amazing dad all over again – this time to his little girl. I’m looking forward to Caleb seeing his sister for the first time and learning how to be a brother.
And these are the things that remind me why – despite any worries, fears or anxieties, I am truly, truly thankful to be here all over again.
