it's a girl.

when i found out i was pregnant, one of the first thoughts in my head was, "i hope it's a girl!" i thought about a sweet little sister for caleb. a daddy's girl. a little baby girl to balance out the "boy" in our family. about two weeks before the big gender reveal, i had a hunch. i put my hand on my expanding belly and thought how different it felt. and i had a little case of intuition. so i told luke i thought we were having a girl. then i immediately said "never mind." because you know if you say something out loud, it won't come true.

the morning of our big ultrasound appointment, i admit, i wanted the ultrasound tech to say "girl." i did. then, on the car ride to my appointment, i prayed. i began by thanking God for the gift of this pregnancy. for everything happening so quickly and easily. for luke being amazing when i've been sick. for a doctor i love. for a nurse i love even more and trust with all my heart (my aunt). for healthy heartbeats every time. the list of blessings went on for a long time. and by the time i got around to praying for my baby's ultrasound, the gender was the last thing on my mind. the very last thing. i have a healthy, energetic, amazing son who lights up my world every day. i have a sweet baby snug in my belly who makes our little family complete. and whoever this baby was ... boy or girl, no matter what the details ... we were so blessed. everything else just seemed "un-important."

well, we got our girl. but more importantly, the ultrasound tech said, "she looks healthy and is growing beautifully." then, she handed me a tissue. i didn't even realize i had tears streaming down my face. i couldn't speak and thought my heart might burst right then and there. and looking at luke, i knew he felt the same. the fact that she's a girl? so exciting! but really, that's just the icing on the cake. (but it's pretty, pretty, delicious PINK icing.) thank you, God, again. for your amazing goodness.

this is my favorite age.

i said it at four weeks, when he cried less and smiled more. i said it at two months when i was in so in love with his newborn preciousness. i said it at four months when he was sitting in his bumbo eating solid foods. i said it at six months when he was a chubby monkey with the beginnings of some crazy hair. i said it at eight months when he was trying to sign, talk, crawl and walk. i said it at ten months when he was more entertaining than just about anything. i said it at a year as when he officially became a little man.

and i've said it many times since.

i said it today. my little 19 month old.

this is my favorite age.

his massive smile that lights up his whole face and his mouthful of teeth. his curly little ringlets. his wobbly walk and the way he runs everywhere, kicking his knees high up in the air.

the way he kisses anything and everything for no reason, making the long, drawn out ummm-mah sound. the conversations he has with us in jibberish. his cute little voice that now utters words.

the way he "reads" his books and sings along to songs. and how he is sometimes so quick to say please and thank you (cheese and tink tu).

the way he's the first one to come running with outstretched arms when anyone is crying.

his sweetness, his stubbornness, his sensitivies.

the way he says "i love mama" so shyly and sweetly, like he knows he's going to be bombarded with kisses right after.

the way, when i ask him to smile, he gives me the cheesiest, most fake little grin.

he's not always easy. he throws tantrums. he's so particular about so many things. he can be a little dramatic. he doesn't always listen.

but he is without a doubt the most compassionate, most hilarious little man with the best smile, cutest little voice and sweetest laugh that i've ever heard. he is my sunshine.

watching him grow and change, and watching us evolve right along with him .. the good times and bad, no matter what the day ....

it all has been my favorite.

*photos courtesy of jocelyn k brown photography

one more thing.

image courtesy of google

the first time, i didn't have baby weight i needed to lose.

this time, i did.

last time, chocolate cake tasted really good.

this time, it still does.

darn.

the second time around.

things are so different the second time around.

the first time i saw those two pink lines, i ran out and told EVERYONE. within minutes.

this time, i let the secret linger a little longer. i kept it close, only sharing the news with family. there was something nice about taking a few weeks to let it soak in before i said it out loud.

last time i was tired, but not very sick at all.

this time, at least for most of the first trimester, i felt like i was on a booze cruise in mexico during hurricane season.

last time i counted each week. i knew exactly how he was developing and what size fruit i could compare him to. i couldn't wait to see a bump or know the gender or feel him wiggle.

this time, i'm not always sure what week im on. i've all but retired the google searches about what to eat and what i should be feeling, relying instead on memory and experience. and the bump. i didn't have to wait long at all for that the second time.

with caleb i had so many hidden fears. would i know how to do it? would i know how to be a mom?

with this little one, i know. it's going to be hard. i think about how hard almost every single day. but this i know: i know how to be a mom.

the last time, i only had to think about taking care of one. and that seemed like a lot.

this time, i have to think about a newborn and a toddler. then a toddler and a toddler. and so forth. sometimes i just have to laugh when i consider the potential chaos.

last time i knew God gave us one, but i had no idea how many more He'd give.

this time i know, caleb will have a sibling. part of me feels sad for him that his reign as center of the universe will be coming to an end. but most of me feels really excited for him. because i couldn't imagine growing up without my sister. having a sibling is like having the most amazing, lifelong friend (they better be friends, or else!).

the first time, nothing in this world could have prepared me for the moment i heard, saw and held my baby for the first time. i had no idea that i could love someone so instantly with such a deep, pure, vulnerable, and never ending love.

this time, i'm a little more prepared. because caleb b. has paved the way. a few short months ago, it was hard to imagine loving another little bambino the way i love him, but here we are. it's happening.

stats

age: 18 months

height: 31 inches (33rd percentile)

weight: 24 lbs 9 oz (33rd percentile)

head: 49 cm (86th percentile)

hair: big and curly

favorite foods: turkey sausage, bananas, tangerines, potatoes, macaroni, yogurt, applesauce

least favorite food: green vegetables

favorite words: no, yeah, wa wa (water), cracker, nana (fruit), mommy, daddy, woof woof (dog), hi, bye, ball, car, ticka ticka (tickle tickle), more, shoes, fishies

hobbies: running, jumping, singing, dancing, playing the keyboard, playing basketball, kicking the soccer ball, playing catch, coloring, swinging, sliding, and splashing in the water

favorite songs: itsy bitsy spider, if you’re happy and you know it, jesus loves the little children, elmo’s song

favorite animals: dogs, monkeys, birds

bed time: 8 p.m.

wake up time: 5 a.m.

favorite activities with dad: getting thrown up in the air, cuddling with a bottle at night, going to home depot, going to the park, taking baths

favorite activities with mom: snuggling in the morning, reading books, getting tickled, going to safeway 13 times a day, taking walks

favorite toys: elmo, keyboard, blocks and any kind of car/truck, sandbox, basketball hoop

favorite forbidden toys: remote control and cell phones

favorite time of day: bathtime

favorite vice: a warm bottle of vitamin D milk before bedtime

biggest way he frustrates me: when he hits or says NO constantly

favorite ways he melts my heart: how he'll give anyone who's sad a hug, how quick he is to say sorry, and how generous he is with his hugs and kisses

growing up.

(image courtesy of jocelyn k brown photography)

this week my sister-in-law texted me a picture of my niece on her first day of kindergarten. i was blown away. i remember when my niece was born. i remember holding her when she was an itty bitty baby. i remember her crawling around our house in her diaper. i remember seeing her walk for the first time. all of these moments felt so near and yet, there she was. standing tall with her backpack on. looking like such a big girl. ready to go to school.

i knew the first day of kindergarten was a big deal for any parent. but on that day, i felt it. i got a taste of what her mama must have been feeling. and as i heard from other friends who were sending their babies off to school with lumps in their throats, i tasted their bittersweet emotions and shed some tears for them. and for me.

here's where it gets a little emotional. i blame it on pregnancy.

i got this picture in my head. it was of caleb. standing outside with his backpack on, gripping his lunch box (do kids still have lunch boxes?), waving to me with a big smile on his face one last time before boarding the big yellow school bus. (incidentally, in this little daydream of mine he was still the same size as he is now, so his backpack was way too big and he could harldy get up the stairs on the bus ... making it all the more sad.).

time is so sneaky. it moves quickly and quietly.

lately so many people have told me that caleb is becoming more like a little boy. he's no longer a baby. and it's true. seemingly overnight, he is outgrowing his clothes, graduating from baby words like "mama and dada" to "mommy and daddy," wanting to do everything by himself, no longer needing us to hold his hand.

and though he is still four and a half years away from kindergarten, i know the day will sneak up on me far sooner than i expect ... much like most of his milestones do. i can't help but think that someday i'll want these moments back so badly, but they'll never again be mine.

but, on the flip ... i am so fortunate to be able to watch my child grow and change and live. i am so looking forward to what's next. so i've come to terms with the fact that time will do its job. it will keep moving. someday my baby will board a school bus, get behind the wheel of a car, wear a cap and gown, walk down an aisle. time will do its job and it won't always wait for my heart to catch up.

though 18 months old seems big to me now, someday in the not so distant future, it will feel little. so today is my chance to savor. to treasure. the smiles, the expressions, the words, the cuddles, the singing, the dancing, the smallness.

everything.

five years.

five years ago today, i didn't know a perfect day existed.


i didn't know how much i'd love living in our new house together. how much i'd enjoy being a wife. how everything finally would feel like it was just right.


i didn’t know that he’d be deployed after just four months. how we’d spend 18 months apart. how horrible goodbyes would be. how every prayer would be answered and he'd come home to me.


i didn’t know that life could be so fun. that the same things could make me laugh for years. that trying new things could unlock so many new experiences. that enjoyment is multiplied by a trillion when you enjoy something with your best friend.


i didn’t know about the trials. the tears. the losses. how God would give me someone who’d so amazingly help me bear my burdens. someone who would always have my back.


i didn’t know about Caleb B. how we’d get to be his parents. how wonderful and hard it would be at times and how fortunate i'd feel to have him in my corner.


and i didn’t know about this newest little one. what he or she would add to our lives before even entering the world. how thankful i'd be to be on this journey together again.


i didn’t know that i wanted to grow old. that i’d actually look forward to it. that every day, every year would feel like a gift. that I’d be part of a story that i never wanted to end.



five years ago today i stood in the shadows, arm-in-arm with my dad, watching our bridal party walk down the aisle, hearing these lyrics:

These are the moments
I thank God that I’m alive
These are the moments
I’ll remember all my life
I have all I’ve waited for
And I could not ask for more.

and those lyrics resonate in my heart today. for all we've been through, all we have and all that awaits us - i thank the Lord with all of my heart. truly, i could not ask for more.


happy anniversary, luke. i loveth you.