my little girl.

 dear makenzie,

yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital. you were new and tiny, all cozy and bundled in my arms. i rested in the knowledge that we had months ahead of us.

today, we took you to daycare for the first time.

it hurts. a lot. my heart is a little broken.

for the past three months we had our little routine. when it got disrupted by "colic" or allergies or whatever it was, we dealt with it. i was the lucky one who got to be with you 24/7. because everyone else mostly saw crying and frowning, but i got to see amazing, blazing smiles so bright that they put the sun to shame. i got to hear sweet coos and feel precious snuggles. i got to see improvement. i got to know you better than anyone.

lucky, lucky me.

it's always hard to let go. it's hard to know if you are doing the right thing. if you'll be okay without me.

that's why i'm a little broken.

here's why i'm not all the way broken.

God has had His hand on us. He has given me patience that i didn't know i had. He has enabled your little brother to be a little angel during our rough, screaming-for-hours days. He has given you a daddy and me a  husband who loves us passionately, takes care of us and would do anything for us.

and today, because of Him, i put you into hands that weren't mine and i know you will be okay. this place has changed our lives and given us so much peace.

my heart was fully broken two years ago when i had to leave your brother for the first time. i didn't know what to expect. i didn't know who i was handing him to, and i felt such anguish and guilt.

but today i know, without a doubt, this place and these people are amazing. the hands, though they aren't mine, they are incredible hands. they are hands that will love you and know you more and more each day.

so kenzie girl. i can't believe it's this time for us already. you are the best, THE BEST baby and you are my love. you are the sweetest girl in the whole world. i see it. your smiles bring me to tears, and not just because they have been so hard to come by these past few weeks, but because they are just that good.

today was hard, but it's just a day. i'm going to see you soon and i'm going to squeeze you and love on you like nobody's business.

this will always be my song for you kiddo, because i feel like our whole lives started with you. you made us complete. i have never known such love.

i love you forever, little girl. you have given me every good thing in the world and i want to spend my life giving it right back to you.

mom