12.14

Caleb and Kenz,

Today is a really sad day. Something very, very bad happened to a lot of people at a school. It’s not a school that is nearby to us, but when something like this happens, distance doesn’t matter. It all feels close.

I am thankful that your eyes will be shielded from the news today – that you won’t have to see images of horror, shock and sadness. I’m selfishly relieved that you two don’t understand enough yet – you’re still too little for us to have to explain exactly what happened.

I think of other parents with school-aged kids and how they will even begin to explain the details of today, or more importantly, how they can ever make their kids feel totally safe again.

I think about how I never want you guys to be scared. Of anything. And I think of those kids cowering in fear as unimaginable things happened around them. I think of their longing to be with their parents or anywhere safe and comfortable. I think about the lasting effects of even just witnessing this.

And I can’t think of the parents, of the families, whose kids are now gone. I can’t. Because when I do, I feel like I can’t breathe. I am so sad for them. My heart is broken, but their hearts? I don’t even dare to imagine the grief, the pain, the absolute terror that surrounds them today. Lord comfort them, please.

I wish our world wasn’t like this. I think about how I now want you two with me at all times so I can be in control. So I won’t feel so helpless. But the truth is, even if you were home with us every single day, we are never in complete control. Bad things happen. So until that day when all things will be made right, we do only what we can do. Ask God for faith even when we all we can say is “Really, God? Really?!” We pray for these families and victims. And believe that these parents and children and people who endured so much loss and devastation will one day be reunited, and they will know peace and happiness and JOY again.

What I want to tell you today, while it is fresh in my heart, is that I am so, so grateful for both of you. You are the greatest gifts I could ever receive and every moment you are living and breathing and with us is a moment of utter blessing. I thank God for you and love you both with all of my heart.

Love,
Mom