it's possible.

photo credit: jocelyn k brown photography

I was afraid to have a second baby.

Afraid for all of the normal reasons like will she be healthy and can we afford her and will I ever sleep again? But secretly, my biggest fear of all was “Can I love her as much as I love Caleb?”

I didn’t think it was an irrational question. A little inappropriate? Yes, perhaps. But not irrational. After all, the love you experience when you first have a child ... when you first enter into that once mysterious realm of motherhood … it’s so intense. So unique. So incomparable.

And the more you get to know your first child – the more you get to watch him grow into an extraordinary, multi-faceted little person – you are even more sure that your capacity to love is maxed out. He owns all of your heart. It’s full. You’re done for. Well beyond capacity for sure.

I really don’t get how it works – I REALLY don’t - but I couldn’t have been more wrong about this. It IS possible to love again in the same crazy, limitless way.

The moment the ultrasound tech said it was a girl, it was like I was given a part of my heart that I never knew belonged to me. But when I received it, I thought “Ohhhhhh. THIS is what I was waiting for. This is what it’s like to feel whole.”

And then when my ears first heard her cry and my eyes first saw her face, I felt it. The greatest, biggest love in my heart. The love that didn’t only make me a mom again, but made me her mom. Because her mom AND his mom was who I was created to be.

And finally seeing both of my kids together, the biggest and best parts of my heart, it really felt so humbling. So much like I didn’t deserve the miracles that were given to me, but also like I didn’t want to question it. Instead I wanted to WORSHIP and PRAISE and be THANKFUL. Because God loves His children and He gives grace.

I don’t understand it. I don’t know how it’s possible to love each kid with ALL of your heart and then love them even more the next day. It’s beautiful how God gives us that ability, though. It’s beautiful how He created things to be beautiful without us even knowing why we see beauty in those things. Like the sun melting into the blue ocean. Or bright pink peonies poking through the dirt. Or that rush in your soul called love.

He puts the greatest love in our hearts for our children. He makes it possible. And through that love, He gives us a breathtaking glimpse of how He feels about us.

Each and every one of us.

Remembering ...

... This beautiful girl and her sweet family.

tidbits.

I just survived a week without Luke. And by survived, I mean it may have been the easiest week of my life. See, Kay, Maggie and the kids came over to help. They cooked, cleaned, entertained the kids (think day-long zoo trip one day and parks and beaches the rest) and generally made my existence calm and peaceful. I practically did nothing. Oh, except one day I HAD to go to Nordstrom, kid-free, then have drinks at Indigo with Mags. I know. I’m lucky.

To put my life into perspective, I used to fear things like cancer, or drowning, or flying over the Atlantic sober. Today my biggest fears include not being able to find a binky, temperatures any higher than 99.9, and my son someday asking for a pet rat. Or even one of those white mice with red eyes. Equally as bad.

Recently, Luke gave me the priceless gift of a night to myself in a swanky hotel downtown. I felt guilty leaving him and the kids behind, but not guilty enough to not go. I learned that it’s good to do stuff like that to unplug and recharge and make me a better mom. I also learned that I’m sort of addicted to my little fam. It was hard to resist the urge to check my phone for pictures or messages from them. It was hard to miss a Saturday night with them despite the fun I was having. And when they picked me up and I jumped in the CRV ready to hear how much I was missed - but instead got Luke saying “Hurry up, there’s a car behind me,” and Kenzie screaming at the top of her lungs (Guess what? Luke couldn’t find her binky) and Caleb grimacing with those it’s-naptime-and-I’m-still-awake eyes - it was hard not to want to run back into that hotel for another hour. Or seven.

All of the little girls in Caleb’s class freak out when he gets to school in the morning. He usually hides behind me as they are screaming and clawing. We are both a little scared by this scene. His teacher says the girls have crushes on him, to which Luke replied "Yep, just like his Dad."