out there.

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” 

- Elizabeth Stone

I wasn't really surprised when his doctor said his tonsils were huge. It explained his interrupted sleep, constant congestion and missed breaths.  We made the decision to take them out sooner than later. 

The week before his surgery, my heart was conflicted. And the night before. My sweet, unsuspecting boy who only expected ice cream and popsicles. I wanted to wrap him up and say to heck with it. If you have colds for the rest of your life and never sleep, no worries, I will be right there with you. It might get a little awkward when you're in college or married, but we'll manage.

But we did it. And in the mercies of all mercies, the surgery was so easy. Our nurses (they deserve a whole separate post) loved my boy so perfectly - a boy they totally didn't even know, but made him and us feel so known. To the point that he was wheeled away smiling and waving. I wanted to give them all long, lingering hugs and tell them all I was forever in debt, but I restrained myself and just said "thanks, thanks SO much."  My heart let out a sigh when I remembered that we were covered. Not a tear was shed until the doctor met us in the waiting room and told us everything went perfectly. Only a fraction of the fears I feared gave way. I was ensured that God had him. It was mercy.

Watching him recover has been hard and beautiful. I never want him to hurt so, yes, at times it is so very hard. But his resolve. His fight. His sweetness and bravery. The quiet humor he shares with us in whispers and smirks when he doesn't have the energy to do much more. The days of cuddles and shutting off the responsibilities of life to be present with my family. Little Kenzie girl talking to him in her baby voice, putting his blanket on him, making him laugh.

(Side note: Kenzie wanted to talk and talk and talk with Caleb and he wasn't saying much, so Luke said, "It hurts Caleb's throat to talk too much, so let's let him be." To which Kenz said, "I love you, Caleb." And Caleb answered, "I love you, Kenzie." And Kenzie gasped, "Oh Caleb talked! He loves me!!")

And it's not lost on me that we are lucky. That some parents pray for this to be the least of their troubles. Ugh. Yes. This brings me closer to that.

God for sure gave me a new heart the day he gave me my baby boy.  And then renewed it when I got my baby girl. And then He told me that my heart would forever be out there, so very vulnerable forever.  But that it was okay because He was trustworthy. I could trust him with a love so great.  

There's no doubt about it, my heart is no longer my own. It's out there.  It's on the playground at recess. It's there in the middle of the night when temperatures are spiking. It's at the door when we're having time outs. It's at the feet of the bluest ocean skipping rocks. It's on a road belting out our favorite songs. It's in the kitchen chasing a curly haired girl.  It's on a couch telling my boy he can trust me because I'm his mama and I would do anything for him.

It's in an operating room where I am not. 

But where He (thank you, thank you SO much) still is.