ten months

dear caleb b,

i happen to be writing this letter after i spent the past hour trying to get you to take a nap.

so you know whatever nice things i say about you, i really, really mean.

happy ten months, little man. when you were a newborn, i would think ahead to the day when you'd be older and could communicate more and tell me what you wanted. and today i find myself thinking back to the newborn days and wishing i could have glimpses back. i want to see little you again. the little you i could carry in one arm. who would swing in his little swing and watch the cricket on his mobile and smile. who would see dotters and couldn't get enough. who would fall asleep in our arms, if everything was perfect, and you'd stay there for hours. who would cry that sweet, pathetic baby cry every time you didn't have our undivided attention. who wouldn't fill out his clothes . . . ever. who would stretch those baby stretches and make me feel like the luckiest person on earth.

the first time you smiled. the first time you laughed. the first time you held my shoulders as if it were a hug. the first time a tooth poked through. the first time you had a fever and we thought the whole world had stopped. the first time you sat up in your high chair and took your first spoonful of food.

can you blame me for remembering all of this today? you are getting farther and farther away from being a little baby and inching closer to being a little guy. you are full of personality. you like things the way you like them. you wont go to sleep unless everything is perfect for you. and when we get tired of trying, we just lay you down and know you will yell for however long you need because that is just you.

you are mobile. which means i can't turn my head or take my eyes off of you for a second. you race down the hallways. you grab everything. and when i say "no" you look at me and smile and sometimes you stop and sometimes you don't. i have to watch you at all times and i kind of love it because it's hard to take my eyes off of you anyway.

you love your daddy. more than me these days, which makes me sad sometimes because i always want to be the arms that you long to be in. but then again, i get it. your daddy is pretty amazing.

and as particular as you are, some days you just catch me off guard. like when we take you to see santa and you act like a pro. or when we take you on your first flight and you are a dream child ... giggling, laughing, falling to sleep easily.

when i look at you, i see the cutest, most snuggly, most stubborn and independent, most needy, most loving, most giggly, most sweet, most wonderful little boy. i see grace. because i never did a single thing in my life to deserve you yet i have you.

you bring me joy, caleb b. and i love you.

mama

baby z

in the hustle and bustle of everything that is four days before christmas, i can't stop thinking about her. she is ready to make her entrance into the world any day now.

baby z . . . we are praying for you every day. you have us all smitten.

really? this is our santa picture?

okay. i admit i was a skeptic.

our little man doesn't go to just anyone so easily. and most every baby who is handed off to santa has it rough their first time around ...

but we get to the mall. a week before christmas. i stand in a great, big line while luke and caleb do laps in the stroller. i meet sweet and funny people around me. they make caleb laugh. and when it comes time for caleb b. to meet santa ... he couldn't be happier.

go figure.

aww. another memory i will never, ever, ever forget. my little man meeting santa for the first time. i love.

tidbits.

we are now only a week away from christmas. we may take caleb to see santa today after his nap. i am thinking that won't end well, but as a wise woman once told me, "you have to take caleb to see santa ... it's just what people do."

less than a week until caleb boards his first plane to take his first flight. i am going to resist the urge to apologize to the other passengers in advance if he cries the whole way. but who knows? he just may love it.

i tried on a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans just for fun the other day. and they fit! but they are the only pre-preggo jeans that fit me right now. nonetheless. i am happy to have them back in the rotation.

i have yet to wrap our gifts or finish my shopping or bake anything. yet i find time to blog.

caleb has had a new teacher in the mornings at day care, and for the very first time, he cried when i dropped him off. so i said goodbye and left and heard his cries all the way down the hall as i was walking out. i considered running back, scooping him up and telling him we'd both take the day off. but i kept walking. and he was okay.

the above picture is one of many taken by jocelyn k brown to document nine sweet months of caleb. isn't he cute? more where those came from, but thought i'd give you a sneak peek.

last week i thought about the fact that caleb is almost one year old. and i got teary-eyed, but wasn't sure if they were happy or sad tears.

my sweet and talented sister designed our christmas cards. without me even asking her to. she just knew i was late in doing them and told me that she had played around with some of our pictures and i said YES, PLEASE, i trust you . . . please do our cards! so i haven't even seen them yet. but she is amazing so i know they'll be perfect.

saturday mornings make me feel grateful. nothing is better than lounging in my pjs with my boys and soaking up every sweet moment.

he's a natural.

photo from jocelyn k brown photography.

from the moment that luke held caleb for the first time, he just knew what to do.

even when i didn't.

and every day i am just more amazed at how this dad thing comes so naturally to him.

he knows how to put caleb to sleep or how to make him quiet after a tantrum or how to make him giggle or discover something new. they both fearlessly tackle every new endeavor together, even if it's way past someone's bedtime. they know how to have fun. and luke knows how to discipline, how to be stern and how no matter how much it hurts our heart, it is for our sweet boy's good.

i couldn't be more proud of the dad he is or more relieved that i have him in my corner when i absolutely have no clue what to do.

he is the dad i always knew he would be and yet i find myself being caught off guard on nights like tonight when i see their connection and know that is extraordinary.

so luke. thank you from caleb b. and from me for always being the arms we feel the safest in and the source of our biggest smiles. we love you.

are you kidding me?

i got this picture from her today. and i've looked at it a thousand times.

this defines precious.

she is insanely talented and i love that these images are forever ours. someday when we're old and grey we'll look at this picture and remember him just as he was at nine months.