ten months

dear caleb b,

i happen to be writing this letter after i spent the past hour trying to get you to take a nap.

so you know whatever nice things i say about you, i really, really mean.

happy ten months, little man. when you were a newborn, i would think ahead to the day when you'd be older and could communicate more and tell me what you wanted. and today i find myself thinking back to the newborn days and wishing i could have glimpses back. i want to see little you again. the little you i could carry in one arm. who would swing in his little swing and watch the cricket on his mobile and smile. who would see dotters and couldn't get enough. who would fall asleep in our arms, if everything was perfect, and you'd stay there for hours. who would cry that sweet, pathetic baby cry every time you didn't have our undivided attention. who wouldn't fill out his clothes . . . ever. who would stretch those baby stretches and make me feel like the luckiest person on earth.

the first time you smiled. the first time you laughed. the first time you held my shoulders as if it were a hug. the first time a tooth poked through. the first time you had a fever and we thought the whole world had stopped. the first time you sat up in your high chair and took your first spoonful of food.

can you blame me for remembering all of this today? you are getting farther and farther away from being a little baby and inching closer to being a little guy. you are full of personality. you like things the way you like them. you wont go to sleep unless everything is perfect for you. and when we get tired of trying, we just lay you down and know you will yell for however long you need because that is just you.

you are mobile. which means i can't turn my head or take my eyes off of you for a second. you race down the hallways. you grab everything. and when i say "no" you look at me and smile and sometimes you stop and sometimes you don't. i have to watch you at all times and i kind of love it because it's hard to take my eyes off of you anyway.

you love your daddy. more than me these days, which makes me sad sometimes because i always want to be the arms that you long to be in. but then again, i get it. your daddy is pretty amazing.

and as particular as you are, some days you just catch me off guard. like when we take you to see santa and you act like a pro. or when we take you on your first flight and you are a dream child ... giggling, laughing, falling to sleep easily.

when i look at you, i see the cutest, most snuggly, most stubborn and independent, most needy, most loving, most giggly, most sweet, most wonderful little boy. i see grace. because i never did a single thing in my life to deserve you yet i have you.

you bring me joy, caleb b. and i love you.

mama