one more thing.

image courtesy of google

the first time, i didn't have baby weight i needed to lose.

this time, i did.

last time, chocolate cake tasted really good.

this time, it still does.

darn.

the second time around.

things are so different the second time around.

the first time i saw those two pink lines, i ran out and told EVERYONE. within minutes.

this time, i let the secret linger a little longer. i kept it close, only sharing the news with family. there was something nice about taking a few weeks to let it soak in before i said it out loud.

last time i was tired, but not very sick at all.

this time, at least for most of the first trimester, i felt like i was on a booze cruise in mexico during hurricane season.

last time i counted each week. i knew exactly how he was developing and what size fruit i could compare him to. i couldn't wait to see a bump or know the gender or feel him wiggle.

this time, i'm not always sure what week im on. i've all but retired the google searches about what to eat and what i should be feeling, relying instead on memory and experience. and the bump. i didn't have to wait long at all for that the second time.

with caleb i had so many hidden fears. would i know how to do it? would i know how to be a mom?

with this little one, i know. it's going to be hard. i think about how hard almost every single day. but this i know: i know how to be a mom.

the last time, i only had to think about taking care of one. and that seemed like a lot.

this time, i have to think about a newborn and a toddler. then a toddler and a toddler. and so forth. sometimes i just have to laugh when i consider the potential chaos.

last time i knew God gave us one, but i had no idea how many more He'd give.

this time i know, caleb will have a sibling. part of me feels sad for him that his reign as center of the universe will be coming to an end. but most of me feels really excited for him. because i couldn't imagine growing up without my sister. having a sibling is like having the most amazing, lifelong friend (they better be friends, or else!).

the first time, nothing in this world could have prepared me for the moment i heard, saw and held my baby for the first time. i had no idea that i could love someone so instantly with such a deep, pure, vulnerable, and never ending love.

this time, i'm a little more prepared. because caleb b. has paved the way. a few short months ago, it was hard to imagine loving another little bambino the way i love him, but here we are. it's happening.

stats

age: 18 months

height: 31 inches (33rd percentile)

weight: 24 lbs 9 oz (33rd percentile)

head: 49 cm (86th percentile)

hair: big and curly

favorite foods: turkey sausage, bananas, tangerines, potatoes, macaroni, yogurt, applesauce

least favorite food: green vegetables

favorite words: no, yeah, wa wa (water), cracker, nana (fruit), mommy, daddy, woof woof (dog), hi, bye, ball, car, ticka ticka (tickle tickle), more, shoes, fishies

hobbies: running, jumping, singing, dancing, playing the keyboard, playing basketball, kicking the soccer ball, playing catch, coloring, swinging, sliding, and splashing in the water

favorite songs: itsy bitsy spider, if you’re happy and you know it, jesus loves the little children, elmo’s song

favorite animals: dogs, monkeys, birds

bed time: 8 p.m.

wake up time: 5 a.m.

favorite activities with dad: getting thrown up in the air, cuddling with a bottle at night, going to home depot, going to the park, taking baths

favorite activities with mom: snuggling in the morning, reading books, getting tickled, going to safeway 13 times a day, taking walks

favorite toys: elmo, keyboard, blocks and any kind of car/truck, sandbox, basketball hoop

favorite forbidden toys: remote control and cell phones

favorite time of day: bathtime

favorite vice: a warm bottle of vitamin D milk before bedtime

biggest way he frustrates me: when he hits or says NO constantly

favorite ways he melts my heart: how he'll give anyone who's sad a hug, how quick he is to say sorry, and how generous he is with his hugs and kisses

growing up.

(image courtesy of jocelyn k brown photography)

this week my sister-in-law texted me a picture of my niece on her first day of kindergarten. i was blown away. i remember when my niece was born. i remember holding her when she was an itty bitty baby. i remember her crawling around our house in her diaper. i remember seeing her walk for the first time. all of these moments felt so near and yet, there she was. standing tall with her backpack on. looking like such a big girl. ready to go to school.

i knew the first day of kindergarten was a big deal for any parent. but on that day, i felt it. i got a taste of what her mama must have been feeling. and as i heard from other friends who were sending their babies off to school with lumps in their throats, i tasted their bittersweet emotions and shed some tears for them. and for me.

here's where it gets a little emotional. i blame it on pregnancy.

i got this picture in my head. it was of caleb. standing outside with his backpack on, gripping his lunch box (do kids still have lunch boxes?), waving to me with a big smile on his face one last time before boarding the big yellow school bus. (incidentally, in this little daydream of mine he was still the same size as he is now, so his backpack was way too big and he could harldy get up the stairs on the bus ... making it all the more sad.).

time is so sneaky. it moves quickly and quietly.

lately so many people have told me that caleb is becoming more like a little boy. he's no longer a baby. and it's true. seemingly overnight, he is outgrowing his clothes, graduating from baby words like "mama and dada" to "mommy and daddy," wanting to do everything by himself, no longer needing us to hold his hand.

and though he is still four and a half years away from kindergarten, i know the day will sneak up on me far sooner than i expect ... much like most of his milestones do. i can't help but think that someday i'll want these moments back so badly, but they'll never again be mine.

but, on the flip ... i am so fortunate to be able to watch my child grow and change and live. i am so looking forward to what's next. so i've come to terms with the fact that time will do its job. it will keep moving. someday my baby will board a school bus, get behind the wheel of a car, wear a cap and gown, walk down an aisle. time will do its job and it won't always wait for my heart to catch up.

though 18 months old seems big to me now, someday in the not so distant future, it will feel little. so today is my chance to savor. to treasure. the smiles, the expressions, the words, the cuddles, the singing, the dancing, the smallness.

everything.