the second time around.

things are so different the second time around.

the first time i saw those two pink lines, i ran out and told EVERYONE. within minutes.

this time, i let the secret linger a little longer. i kept it close, only sharing the news with family. there was something nice about taking a few weeks to let it soak in before i said it out loud.

last time i was tired, but not very sick at all.

this time, at least for most of the first trimester, i felt like i was on a booze cruise in mexico during hurricane season.

last time i counted each week. i knew exactly how he was developing and what size fruit i could compare him to. i couldn't wait to see a bump or know the gender or feel him wiggle.

this time, i'm not always sure what week im on. i've all but retired the google searches about what to eat and what i should be feeling, relying instead on memory and experience. and the bump. i didn't have to wait long at all for that the second time.

with caleb i had so many hidden fears. would i know how to do it? would i know how to be a mom?

with this little one, i know. it's going to be hard. i think about how hard almost every single day. but this i know: i know how to be a mom.

the last time, i only had to think about taking care of one. and that seemed like a lot.

this time, i have to think about a newborn and a toddler. then a toddler and a toddler. and so forth. sometimes i just have to laugh when i consider the potential chaos.

last time i knew God gave us one, but i had no idea how many more He'd give.

this time i know, caleb will have a sibling. part of me feels sad for him that his reign as center of the universe will be coming to an end. but most of me feels really excited for him. because i couldn't imagine growing up without my sister. having a sibling is like having the most amazing, lifelong friend (they better be friends, or else!).

the first time, nothing in this world could have prepared me for the moment i heard, saw and held my baby for the first time. i had no idea that i could love someone so instantly with such a deep, pure, vulnerable, and never ending love.

this time, i'm a little more prepared. because caleb b. has paved the way. a few short months ago, it was hard to imagine loving another little bambino the way i love him, but here we are. it's happening.