growing up.

(image courtesy of jocelyn k brown photography)

this week my sister-in-law texted me a picture of my niece on her first day of kindergarten. i was blown away. i remember when my niece was born. i remember holding her when she was an itty bitty baby. i remember her crawling around our house in her diaper. i remember seeing her walk for the first time. all of these moments felt so near and yet, there she was. standing tall with her backpack on. looking like such a big girl. ready to go to school.

i knew the first day of kindergarten was a big deal for any parent. but on that day, i felt it. i got a taste of what her mama must have been feeling. and as i heard from other friends who were sending their babies off to school with lumps in their throats, i tasted their bittersweet emotions and shed some tears for them. and for me.

here's where it gets a little emotional. i blame it on pregnancy.

i got this picture in my head. it was of caleb. standing outside with his backpack on, gripping his lunch box (do kids still have lunch boxes?), waving to me with a big smile on his face one last time before boarding the big yellow school bus. (incidentally, in this little daydream of mine he was still the same size as he is now, so his backpack was way too big and he could harldy get up the stairs on the bus ... making it all the more sad.).

time is so sneaky. it moves quickly and quietly.

lately so many people have told me that caleb is becoming more like a little boy. he's no longer a baby. and it's true. seemingly overnight, he is outgrowing his clothes, graduating from baby words like "mama and dada" to "mommy and daddy," wanting to do everything by himself, no longer needing us to hold his hand.

and though he is still four and a half years away from kindergarten, i know the day will sneak up on me far sooner than i expect ... much like most of his milestones do. i can't help but think that someday i'll want these moments back so badly, but they'll never again be mine.

but, on the flip ... i am so fortunate to be able to watch my child grow and change and live. i am so looking forward to what's next. so i've come to terms with the fact that time will do its job. it will keep moving. someday my baby will board a school bus, get behind the wheel of a car, wear a cap and gown, walk down an aisle. time will do its job and it won't always wait for my heart to catch up.

though 18 months old seems big to me now, someday in the not so distant future, it will feel little. so today is my chance to savor. to treasure. the smiles, the expressions, the words, the cuddles, the singing, the dancing, the smallness.

everything.