things i now know.

the first four weeks of caleb's life gave me the biggest surprise of my life. i was sad, overwhelmed, unprepared, and a little lost.

yes, i loved caleb with all of my heart. yes, i knew how blessed i was to have a healthy baby. i couldn't explain my emotions. but they were all over the place.

i realized quickly that i had the blues. the baby blues. they only lasted for about three or four weeks until the fog lifted and i could see life in color in again.

those first weeks seem like an eternity ago, but as i prepare to bring another newborn baby home, i can't help but wonder what the first few weeks with her will be like.

this i know. my heart will be way more prepared. even if i get the baby blues again, i'm now equipped with lessons i learned the first time around.

here's what i now know:

babies cry.
i know caleb probably wasn't the fussiest baby in the world, but he was fussy. i remember meeting friends in the afternoons for coffee or walks. their babies loved their car seats. they loved their strollers. they loved everything. and mine didn't seem to love anything. he'd cry when i put him in the car, when i took him out, when i set him down for second. when i'd change him. when i'd give him a bath. when i'd dry him off. at the time, i felt like he cried all the time. thankfully, i heard a lot of wise words from mommy friends who were angels to me during this time. they reminded me that babies cry. i know, why didn’t i know this before? but it was good information. BABIES CRY. sometimes for no reason. sometimes for reasons we can’t immediately remedy. they are new to the world, unaccustomed to being cold or hungry or uncomfortable. they had everything they needed when they were safe and snug in utero. living in this world is just an adjustment. i needed to cut him some slack. and cut myself some while i was at it.

i am small.
i think you shrink about 12 sizes when you first bring your baby home. and not in weight (unfortunatley). i felt so small, so vulnerable, so humbled by the huge task of taking care of a precious little person. i didn't feel equipped or in control. but things started making sense as soon as i accepted that I AM small and vulnerable and not in control. and, more importantly, i had to realize who could equip me and who WAS in control. not dr. sears. not the perfect mommies with the great advice. not even Luke, who was my saving grace. God was still in control. just like always. and just feeling my smallness and His biggness was a great thing for me. i learned that seeing the dimensions of your vulnerability isn't disheartening; instead it's comforting, encouraging and empowering.

i will never be perfect.
as women, i think we all know we compare ourselves. but the mom thing was a whole new level of comparisons. those moms who have the perfectly behaved children, clean houses, dinners in the oven, and they sew their own baby clothes, grow their own vegetables and clip coupons in their spare time. that wasn't me. my house was a disaster. even though my house is seldom spotless, i do like to keep it tidy. if i see clutter, my brain feels cluttered and that first four weeks there was clutter clutter clutter everywhere. nothing was where it was supposed to be. but here's the thing. i am going to resist the urge to compare this time. i know eventually, my house will start looking better. i may never measure up to other wonder moms. but at the end of the day, all of us moms are in the same boat. we just want to do the best we can to love and care for our babies.

time is precious.
during those first days with caleb, i feel like i was always waiting for the next thing to happen. if he was awake, i was thinking about all the things he needed or that i could be doing. when he was napping, i'd think about how much i could get done before he woke up. i was a little too frantic for my own good. now i have the gift of retrospect and i know that newborn time is extremely precious. it isn't something to rush through as fast as you can. i can't wait to soak up my little girl's littleness because i now know it doesn't last for long.

all of this experience and knowledge is good, but the greatest thing i know now that i didn't know before is just how much i would love being a mommy, and how much my love for caleb b. would just fill my heart the way that it has. it was like he was always meant to be in our lives forever and when he arrived we just felt a deeper sense of completeness. i feel so blessed to be able to feel that again with our new baby girl as she further "completes" this amazing story God has written for us.