12.14

Caleb and Kenz,

Today is a really sad day. Something very, very bad happened to a lot of people at a school. It’s not a school that is nearby to us, but when something like this happens, distance doesn’t matter. It all feels close.

I am thankful that your eyes will be shielded from the news today – that you won’t have to see images of horror, shock and sadness. I’m selfishly relieved that you two don’t understand enough yet – you’re still too little for us to have to explain exactly what happened.

I think of other parents with school-aged kids and how they will even begin to explain the details of today, or more importantly, how they can ever make their kids feel totally safe again.

I think about how I never want you guys to be scared. Of anything. And I think of those kids cowering in fear as unimaginable things happened around them. I think of their longing to be with their parents or anywhere safe and comfortable. I think about the lasting effects of even just witnessing this.

And I can’t think of the parents, of the families, whose kids are now gone. I can’t. Because when I do, I feel like I can’t breathe. I am so sad for them. My heart is broken, but their hearts? I don’t even dare to imagine the grief, the pain, the absolute terror that surrounds them today. Lord comfort them, please.

I wish our world wasn’t like this. I think about how I now want you two with me at all times so I can be in control. So I won’t feel so helpless. But the truth is, even if you were home with us every single day, we are never in complete control. Bad things happen. So until that day when all things will be made right, we do only what we can do. Ask God for faith even when we all we can say is “Really, God? Really?!” We pray for these families and victims. And believe that these parents and children and people who endured so much loss and devastation will one day be reunited, and they will know peace and happiness and JOY again.

What I want to tell you today, while it is fresh in my heart, is that I am so, so grateful for both of you. You are the greatest gifts I could ever receive and every moment you are living and breathing and with us is a moment of utter blessing. I thank God for you and love you both with all of my heart.

Love,
Mom

thanksgiving.

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
Lamentations 3:23

In my last post I mentioned a woman named Nadiya, who had sweet and perfect words for Kenzie. Nadiya is Kenzie’s “teacher.” At day care. Where we take her and her brother five days a week.

This morning, I dropped Caleb off in his classroom after giving him a big squeeze and a kiss, and handed him to Miss Patty, one of his favorites. After dropping Kenzie off in her class, I had to walk past Caleb’s class again. I always like to peek in, without him seeing me, just to see how he's doing. Usually I see him greeting his friends or washing his hands or sitting down to eat breakfast with the other kids. Today I saw him wrapped up in Miss Patty’s arms, his head resting on her shoulder as she swung him around, side to side, singing  “I love you, Caleb," over and over again.

This sight was so good for my heart for so many reasons.

Lately I've been feeling all kinds of mommy guilt. I find myself questioning if we are doing the right things and giving them the best. Is working the best? Is day care the best? I can feel the guilt on all sides. It might not be tear-jerking, heart palpitating guilt, like when I dropped Caleb off for the first time, but it’s tangible. The moments I glance from my computer at the photos of Caleb and Kenz on my desk and wonder what they are doing. I wonder if they miss me. I don't want them to miss me, but then again, if they didn't that's no good either. Ugh. I wonder if they had a particularly hard morning, I wonder if they are grumpy or behaving or eating all of their lunch or napping well.

I hear stories of what other moms are doing with their kids during the days. Things they are doing together. And I wonder if my kids are missing out on that, if they are somehow at a disadvantage. Ouch. Even typing that sentence hurts.

Recently, someone challenged me to do a simple exercise. She told me to name on a daily basis, outloud, the good and important things my children have, and the good and important things that I have. Because often this guilt comes from comparing my life to someone else's, or to an ideal. And when I do this, I forget what I am grateful for and focus on what I am lacking.

That sounded simple enough. But actually applying it? Wow.

I knew I could fill a prayer with a great laundry list of wishes and wants, but I didn’t know I could have an even longer list of “thank yous.” And I mean those thank yous. When I actually pause to see and soak in my blessings, it changes my perspective. It is cause for less complaining and more thanksgving.

Life is full of provision. It’s FULL of provision. My sparkly flats, the full tank of gas, the eight ounces of water I FORCE myself to drink, the heater that turns on every night without fail, the hot water from the shower that pours over my head each night, the constant, steady breaths that inflate and deflate in my chest without any effort.

The teacher that wraps my child in her loving arms and tells him that he’s loved. The “friends” that Caleb talks about every single night ("It was CJ’s birthday yesterday and I got a cupcake and Kennedy and Fia got one, too.”) The stories of playing on the playground and going down the slide. The songs he sings, the pictures he paints, the stories he’s heard, the things he’s learned that we never taught him. My fickle girl who jumps into Galina’s arms every morning with her legs kicking in excitment and a huge smile on her face. Miss Nadiya, who will tell me every detail about Kenzie’s day, which I love hearing about, but I love even more that Nadiya pays attention to these details. She is caring for Kenzie well. I trust her. I appreciate her. She knows just how beautiful and generous Kenzie is because she KNOWS her. And I love that she brings Caleb into her class at the end of the day, even though he’s older and in the big kid class now, because she KNOWS and LOVES him, too.

PROVISION. it is all around me.

When I write press releases at work, I always have to remind myself not to bury my lead - meaning,  get the main point out at the beginning - don't wait until the third or forth paragraph to say the most important thing.

So many times in my life, I bury my lead. I start with: "My house isn't big enough," "My decor isn't nice enough," "If only I had (fill in the blank on any given day).

But that isn't my lead. My lead is "Thank you, God, for this house you provided to us. Thank you that it is warm and cozy and that its walls have sheltered us as we grew from two to four. And it has been more than enough."

My lead is thank you, God for two healthly kids who are thriving and happy and adaptable and sweet. Thank you that we've found the perfect day care, if day care is the place they have to be for right now.

My lead is always THANK YOU, GOD. What we have is a lot, and it will get buried if we don't start by awknowleding it.

Yes, there is stuff. Diasppointments, hurts, frustrations and complaints. Those are real things, true things and things we can bring before a compassionate and loving Father.

But those things aren't my lead. They belong in the third or forth paragraph. There is too much provision in my life to start with that.

So thank you, God. For reminding me that you provide. You do the work. You equip. You LOVE.

Thank you for your gift this morning – for that glimpse of Caleb and Miss Patty together – a reminder that flooded my heart with thankfulness for all the little and big provisions in life.

Your compassions never fail. They are new every morning.

Great is your faithfulness.

eight months.

photo by jocelyn k brown photography

Little girl,

Eight months have come and gone and all I can wonder is how we ever lived without you.  

Your first tooth is poking through. Your hair is bigger and curlier than ever. You crawl backwards and in circles, but haven’t yet mastered forward motion. You try to eat everything in sight. You like being held and you like us nearby. You still are finicky about other people holding you, but you are a million times better than four months ago. You say mama and dada and baba. You like to stick out your tongue. You are a solid sitter and not so wobbly. You are dainty. You had your first big fever and aside from being hot and a little miserable you were still your same sweet self. You are sweet. You usually fall asleep easily with a swaddle and a binky. You babble endlessly. You are ticklish under your arms and on the bottom of your feet. You scratch your head a lot. You don’t hold your own bottle yet (I’m waaaiting). You give your brother strange looks when he’s being crazy. You laugh when we laugh at you. You love being in your stroller. You are a good napper. You are a wiggly worm, but on occasion you are content with just cuddling. Your cuddles are amazing.

The other day when I was picking you up after work, I overheard nadiya say as she was playing with you, “Oh, Kenzie, thank you for your smile. It’s so beautiful and generous.”

I thought, what perfect adjectives for your smile. Beautiful and generous. Yes. Your smile is like receiving a present or watching a sunset or being awed by an Artist’s masterpiece. That smile has made me cry more than once. And I don’t know exactly why or how a smile can make you cry, except to say I just sometimes get swept up by how beautiful and generous it is.

I’ve said it before, but, Kenzie Lou, you are my dream. You are the deep, aching love that has always been in my heart, but I didn’t know its name and I didn’t know its face. And now that I do – now that I get to finally know you – everything makes a little more sense. Our family is whole, complete, made more beautiful by beautiful and generous you.

 

tidbits.

caleb has always been a little afraid of the vacuum, which is why i don't vacuum much. (or is it because i hate vacuuming? potato, potahto.) he's also sometimes afraid lions (but usually loves them - go figure), and he recently developed a fear of the dark. it's sad seeing your child be afraid of anything, even if the fear is "reasonable." but what is so amazing is that when we tell him he doesn't have to be afraid, he usually perks up and says "becauseeeeee ...." and then belts out a loud rendition of "God is bigger than the boogeyman." it's a song he learned from an episode of veggie tales and it's pretty amazing to see him apply it to his life. instead of singing the real words, which are, "God is bigger than the boogeyman, He's bigger than godzilla or the monsters on tv ..." he substitutes his own words, "He's bigger than the vacuum and the lions on tv." it makes me realize that he's not just repeating a catchy tune, but processing the meaning  that God is bigger than his fears. i love that.

kenzie is such a morning person - something that can't be said about any of the other three people that live with her. even when she wakes up at inhumane hours, she usually is beaming, awake, alert and so happy to see us after hours apart. i always want to remember my mornings with her. cuddling up, feeding her a bottle while she's wrapped up like a burrito. then letting her loose and kissing her chubby cheeks as she talks, giggles, grabs my face and speaks pure love as she stares intently into my eyes. she is the best way to wake up. a million times better than coffee.

caleb continues to be an incredible big brother. when kenzie cries, he rushes to her, puts his arm around her and says "it's okay, it's okay" or "you're fine, kenzie, you're fine." kills me.

he is also often the cause of her crying. he gets right in her face, or tries to pick her up, or shakes her bouncy seat a little too hard, or wants her to sit in his lap when she's just not feeling it.

kenz is still on her hypo-allergenic formula, which luke actually tasted once (don't know why) and felt so bad for her because he said it was disgusting. we are trying to wean her off and are praying (like full-on on our knees) that she doesn't revert back to her "colicky" days because of an allergy. she is also eating baby food (carrots and green beans and apples so far), baby mum mums and cereal puffs.

caleb loves indian food and will even eat the spicy stuff as long as he has his water nearby. his most requested meal when we eat out is "hamburger and french fries," which is actually a cheeseburger with pickles only.

one of my favorite things in the world right now is doing kenzie's hair. she has crazy, curly hair like her brother, but unlike with his, i can tame hers with cute hair clips and headbands. lukes loves it when she has two ponytails on the top of her head. she is such a doll.

caleb is collecting all of the cars from "cars 2." he always tells us he wants to go to target so he can scope out all the cars - and he leads us right to the car aisle when we get there. some of the cars have very interesting names, but he knows them all and is very aware when one is missing. every day i hear "i can't find my petrov" ... "where is my jeff corvette?" .... "mom, i don't see missile" ... "dad, i can't find 'chescko'" (one car is name francesco bernilli ... how do they expect a kid to say that?!).

caleb's favorite nicknames for kenzie: kenzos, kenzos lous, makenzos, buggy boo, sister, baby, baby girl.

bumbles.

the sweetest little ladies. in all of the world.

halloween 2012.

top ten things i learned this halloween (in no particular order):

1. always look for your costumes early if your child wants to be lightning mcqueen. because every other 2 T child in the world wants to be that, too.

2. make sure both of your children have good naps before the pumpkin patch. otherwise all you'll get is pictures that reflect a serious lack of sleep.

3. don't let your kids watch "regular" t.v. after 5 p.m. there are some seriously scary halloween commercials.

4. pumpkins can be fun. watching caleb smother his pumpkin with finger paints - shirt off, with reckless abandon - makes me want to get a huge one next year and even scoop out pumpkin guts.

5. fall means cozy feety pajamas and snuggling up with each other while the rain does its thing outside. i have a new appreciation.

6. babies don't like being dressed in costumes. it's tough to blame them, really.

7. halloween should always be on a saturday. it should be a rule. i refuse to participate again until it makes its way back to saturday.

8. my sisters come through for me always. one found the perfect lightning mcqueen hat for caleb when amazon failed us. and threw in an outfit for kenzie. and dropped it off on my porch. and the other loaned us the sweetest little girl bumble bee costume. i love that norah and kenzie were the same little bees for their first halloween. 

9. we miss those we can't be with on special days. love you, caden and norah. love you awmie and papa. love you uncle david and auntie may may.

10. love being with the cutest little superheroes, the giraffe, the rocker, the pirate, the grandparents, the bouncy slide, the bouncy everything.

polka dot circus afro.

we heart grandpa.

the river.

the most beautiful setting ... but even better ... the best people who make the best memories.

v

chelanigans.

this was kenzie's first teknotherm retreat and caleb's third. i loved this one the most. beautiful chelan, my beautiful babies, and beautiful company (as in people). thank you, tekno, for going above and beyond all expectations. it was heaven. highlights?

an amazing room with a gorgeous patio leading straight to the bluest lake drenched by the yellow sun.
an excited boy who wanted to wear his swim trunks 24/7.
 that same little boy saying "are we gonna go swimmin'?" 350 times in one day. and, yes, he did say "swimmin'" and it was the cutest.
strolling miss makenzie all around town while she basked in the sun.
watching sweet sophia and caleb b play together.
having someone else clean up our messes, make our bed, and fold our towels.
watching a couple hours of food network while kenzie napped.
seeing caleb walk boldly into deep waters (with his dad right behind him) and carelessly jump into the pool over and over again with no fear ... he is part fish.
early morning sessions outside with just me, God and the stuff He made.
watching my brother-in-law give a great presentation then run around with caleb. such an amazing uncle.
hanging with my sister, who made caleb gasp the biggest gasp ever when he saw her drawing at lunch. and when caleb asked her if he could go swimming and she said "if your mom says yes." and he turned to me and said "mom, say yes."