the big 2.

before all the craziness of march began, we celebrated a very special b-day with some very special people.

(the amazing cakes and cupcakes were made by leigha bradbury. YUM!)

and on his actual birthday we took him swimming. :)

happy 2nd birthday, little man. hope you loved your day!

thank you.

dear caleb,

to think. my biggest worry about having another baby was how you would take it. it broke my heart to think you'd ever for a second feel ... well ... replaced.

us moms can really over-think things sometimes.

thank you for giving me the happiest memories of your sister's first days with us in the world. when you first saw her, you shined that bright, beaming smile of yours and looked so proud to be her big brother. my heart melted.

you were sweet and gentle. you wanted to hold her and hug her and touch her face. and you cuddled right up to me and your dad as if to reassure us that you were fine with this new change in our lives.

you were better than fine, in fact. every day you seem to love your sister more. you walk in the door and say "hi mama, hi kenzie." you always say "where's baby?" or "i baby hold you" (meaning, i want to hold baby). and you are so kind to her, caleb. you pat her lovingly when she cries. you are patient when i need to feed her or change her diaper, even if that means that you have to wait a little longer for me to play with you or cuddle with you.

you really surprised me little man. but i don't know why i was so surprised. i know you. and i know you have a heart that is bigger than anyone else even knows. you see when people are sad and need a hug. you see when they need one of your goofy smiles.

you saw that i desperately needed you to be okay for me to be okay. and you gave me that.

oh, how i love you. i want you to always remember how immensely proud i am of you right now and know that from the very, very beginning, you have been the best big brother our kenzie girl could ever ask for.

thank you, buddy.

mom

last week.

as far as best weeks of life go, this was mine.

yesterday.

the night before kenzie was born, i was stuck in the surreal, unable to fully grasp what was about to happen to us.

i mean, how do you ever fully prepare yourself to have one of the best days of your life?

then, yesterday happened. it was one of those days you would relive over and over again if you could. i am already playing back the memories in my head and feeling my heart swell with gratitude.

the best moment was no surprise. hearing her cry for the first time. and i knew she was finally here. i looked over at luke as he peered over the cloth that separated me from seeing her. i'll never forget the look on his face when he saw our daughter for the first time. tears welled up in his eyes. he looked astounded. i asked him if she was okay. it took him a moment to answer. he was speechless. she had taken his breath away.

it was amazing. it is amazing. she is here. and she is everything i had dreamed she'd be.

i spent so much time over the past few months worrying about what caleb would do and how he would react. i was scared he would somehow feel less loved.

but he was happily distracted with his cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles. he cheerfully kissed her and posed for pictures. he proudly held her in his arms and patted her gently.

i am one proud mommy.

and one blessed girl.

family and friends spoiled us with their visits and calls and gifts and kind wishes and support. they love our kids and that is the biggest blessing and joy to me. i am filled with thankfulness.

God's plans are beautiful. His stories are full of twists and turns and sometimes detours and obstacles and details you wouldn't necessarily write for yourself. but it is days like yesterday that remind me that He always knows the outcome, He is always in control and He is overwhelmingly good. I am so thankful that He is the author of my story ... that He authors all of our stories. as i look over at my sleeping baby now, i know there is no greater assurance in this world.

it just doesn't get much better than this.

a love story.

Last summer Luke and I decided it was time to start thinking about another baby.

I thought about it. And to be honest, I was unsure about the timing. I felt very content with where we were - with each other, with finances, with Caleb, with finally beginning to balance everyday life with other things.
I didn’t want to mess it with it.

And then one week, I didn’t feel quite right. I left work on one of those days, convinced I had the flu, but nothing materialized. It was just something that lingered. On and on and on.

I finally succumbed to my suspicions and took a test. It was negative.

A week later, we were in Newport, WA spending the 4th of July weekend with our family. I couldn’t shake my sickness or the feeling that it was something more. I snuck away to a Safeway, picked up a test and watched in disbelief as two faded pink lines slowly appeared.

I was in the bathroom at Maggie’s store and when I emerged she saw the look on my face and I couldn’t hide it for long.

I couldn’t believe it. So I took three more tests after that. All were positive.

I called Luke and asked him to pick me up. I told him by putting a positive test in his coffee drink. Like a straw. And I was very awkward about it.

We told immediate family, but mostly kept the news to ourselves. I wasn’t quite ready to say it out loud for some reason.

This time around was different. It just was. I was excited and thankful, but mostly, I thought about how Caleb would adjust to a new sibling and how we'd adjust to having a newborn - again.
 
So the days lingered on. I got bigger. We slowly told more people. We wondered if it would be a boy or a girl. I thought about how to turn our guest bedroom into a nursery and where we'd fit another person in our house.

Before I knew it, we were driving to Sound Women's care again, walking down those familiar halls, ready for that all important appointment where we'd hear the heartbeat for the first time.

We met our new doctor. I laid on my back as she rolled the small ultrasound device over my belly. And I heard it. Steady and strong. She smiled at me and said, "there it is, your baby's heartbeat. Perfect."

It was real.

And, in that moment, it all kind of sunk in.

You were just meant to be. Before we had “decided” it was time to think about another baby. Before I had taken that test. Before I had told a single soul.

Before we had Caleb. Before I had Luke. Before I ever even knew what I was meant to do and be in this life.

Before it all.

You existed. And you have been in my heart. And what this was … this was just God introducing us for the first time.

 I felt like I knew you. I felt like you in our lives was the most natural, most beautiful thing in the word. I felt like I’ve loved you forever.

This is only the beginning. I am already delirious with love for you and I haven’t even held you for the first time yet. I can’t imagine how my heart will every contain the joy of seeing you for the first time.

And finally meeting you. It has been years in the making.

From the beginning of time, in fact.

Thank you for giving me this kind of love, daughter.

I'll see you soon.

Love,
Mom