I wrote the below post weeks ago. Since then, a lot has happened. Good and exciting things. But in the interest of never forgetting ....
I have three enemies and their names are change, risk and disappointment. I usually run far, far away from them. Recently; however, I’ve found myself in situations where I am running toward them – and I’m running alongside them with the three people I love and want to protect most in the world.
Needless to say it’s been overwhelming.
The CHANGE of moving has been harder than I expected - and I expected it to be hard. Our last day at our house hurt my heart in ways I couldn’t imagine. I was annoyed that it hurt so much, especially since it was such a GOOD thing, such a BLESSING that we sold our home. It was something that I – even more than Luke – wanted, yet still, walking through those empty rooms, posing for a last family picture on the front porch and closing the door on the home that would always be a part of us … but that was no longer ours … Ouch.
The RISK of putting all our eggs in one basket – the basket that is the beautiful house on 37th Street. The house that we are doing a lot of crazy things for. Like renting an apartment for four months. Like competing with other buyers. Like taking a chance on a short sale that might not even go through. This wave of change may have been an easier ride if I hadn’t had to deal with the risk.
And then there’s DISAPPOINTMENT. It rears its ugly head now and then. Lurks around corners, laughs at me, says WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! It shows up in the form of competing offers or unknown timelines or the tricky fine print. And it threatens to break my heart.
Yes, this past week I’ve been the girl who almost said no to the one last picture on the front porch because it was just too hard. I’ve been the girl who judged her new neighbors within five minutes of seeing them (and hearing them). I’ve been the girl who had to get things out of boxes and organized right away to provide “stability” for the kids, but who was sometimes so overwhelmed that she couldn’t multi-task or even “task” for most of the time. I’ve been the girl who drove by the dream house about five times in the past four days, parked outside of the driveway and prayed. (Disclaimer: the home isn’t occupied, so there was little chance of anyone calling the police. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if the neighbors were also joining me in prayer … “Dear God, please don’t let this nutcase who keeps driving by here be our new neighbor.” Don’t worry – should we get the house I will work hard to earn their favor).
In a few months, I am going to reread this post and we will either be residents at said dream house, or we’ll be somewhere else entirely. I will remember that this little move got off to a rocky start, but I will also remember – no matter what the outcome - the good, because there is PLENTY of good. Here’s some so far:
1. We have a sparkly, blue pool that Caleb jumps into with reckless abandon while Kenzie splashes around in her ballerina swimsuit.
2. I have a pantry, aka, a place to put food and appliances where I can actually see them and know what I have. It’s pure genius and I don’t know how I ever survived without.
3. I’m learning that I can be judgey and close-minded. That might not sound like a good thing, but now that I clearly see those parts of my heart I can ask God for new parts. :)
4. Caleb and Kenzie don’t even care that we moved. I was expecting to have some heart wrenching story about how Caleb just couldn’t say goodbye to the old place and how Kenzie won’t sleep in her new room. But I don’t. They like the new place! And that makes me more happy than anything.
5. I don’t have to take care of a yard. Yards exist solely to embarrass me.
6. We have CABLE. Pretend this is #1 instead of #6 because that’s where it is in my heart. Food Network and I have been reunited after a few, long years of being culinarily uninspired. Yes, we still eat frozen pizzas and fish sticks, but at least I’m inspired. And I am better able Keep up with the Kardashians. It’s all I've wanted in life.
7. We have a balcony overlooking the playground and pool. It has been my go to spot during the chaos to sit, reflect, relax and people watch. I love it.
8. I may have walked to the Leasing Office one day, and then not been able to find my way back. They tricked me by having two pools (and the pool was my landmark), when I thought there was only one. I was confused and bewildered, but it did afford me the opportunity to explore the different buildings and be thankful that we found such nice apartments.
9. I’ve met cute little neighborhood kids, who want to tell me ALL about their lives. And I love hearing it.
10. I usually don’t allow myself to get my hopes up if I don’t know the outcome. We’ve had some highs and lows in this whole short sale offer on the house. I’ve TRIED to have low expectations and not to get my hopes up, but (AHHHH, this is dangerous to say) … I really believe in our fight for this house. I really believe we CAN get this house. And I really believe we WILL. This hope in my heart is refreshing. I've wanted to hide it, stomp on it, erase it, but God has kept it fresh, steady and alive. I feel like He's telling me to be open to the risk because I know at the end of the day, we will be okay. We tried, and if God doesn’t want us at that house, He will close the door on it. He won’t let it happen. But He CAN and WILL give it to us if it’s really meant to be for us. My HOPE is in HIM. It's not always in every situation, but at least in this one – it's been powerfully present. And that has felt good.
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