cry it out

you and me and crying.

we have an eight month history that seems epic. you have brought out in me the rawest of mommy emotions through our tears.

first. i will never, ever, could not even for a moment, forget the first time you cried. it ranks right up there with the best moments in all of my life. you, this little man, that was living and growing in my belly, actually came out and uttered your first sweet, precious, little cries. i didn't even have time to react. my heart erupted in sobs. because there you were after all that time. you were healthy and well and - oh my gosh - the idea that i loved so much was actually there in front of me right before my eyes. and it was okay that you were crying because i understood. it was all i could do, too.

and then. when being a mom proved harder than i knew. when i wasn't quite sure i was equipped to care for the sweetest little man. when i thought other moms might be more instinctual or natural or better at doing what i was supposed to do. we took you into the doctor's office soon after your birth to get your first shot. the doctor was loving and gentle as she poked your newborn skin. you were at first shocked by the poke, then you started to realize the pain. your sweet little mouth turned downward and you sobbed like i'd never seen. and in that moment, i felt whatever you were feeling. i felt your fear and worry and pain. and i wanted to take it away. i cried with you caleb b and i knew so much that it was because i loved you and because i was your mom. i was your mom. it felt like the biggest honor in the world to wrap you in my arms and tell you it would be okay.

and finally, there was a time. you were less than two weeks old. your dad was at work and i was home with you. you were crying as you did so often. i was using every trick in the book to try and soothe you but nothing was working. nothing. for like an hour. finally, i gave up. i surrendered. i prayed. and i held you close. your tears meshed with mine and we didn't know whose were whose. we just sat there for i don't know how long, crying together. oh caleb. i loved you so much and wanted to make everything okay for you. but it was then that i knew that it was okay for you to cry. that was your only language and no matter how much it hurt me to hear you use it, i had to get used to it.

so here we are. with another challenge looming.

you don't sleep through the night at eight months old. and i know that isn't terrible and really, we have all been dealing with the interrupted sleep just fine. but i know it will be better for you and for us to have you sleep longer and more consistently.

everyone i know has told me to let you cry it out. every single person. not one single soul has told me it was a bad idea. and i know they are right. you are a tough little man. you will be okay. you will cry it out and be just fine.

but i won't promise that i won't cry alongside you. i won't pretend my heart doesn't break to see you sad and to hear you cry out for us.

but as we have done in the past, we will cry it out together and persevere.