letters to caleb.

Dear Caleb

On June 18, 2009 my whole world was flipped upside down. I found out I was pregnant with you, but had to keep my lips sealed until your dad came home from work. My head spun, my heart raced and I didn't know how to define or contain the emotions that were welling up inside of me. So I sat down, took a few breaths, and I wrote you a letter:

Dear Baby, I can’t even believe I’m writing to you. I can’t believe there is a you. I saw two pink lines and I think my heart sank straight to the floor.

And that began nine months of anticipation, worries, surprises and joy. I told you all about it through letters.

Only a handful of people know about you. Those lucky people. I prayed this morning on my way to work that God would please please protect you and let me hold a safe and healthy you in nine months.

I remember those first few weeks when I couldn't even believe you were real.

I can’t wait for my doctor's appointment. I want someone else besides me to confirm you exist and that you are living inside me.

I remember my 31st b-day when I felt so blessed:

Yesterday was my birthday. I am 31 years old and I feel old. But I am also the happiest ever. Three years ago I married your dad and it was the best thing I've ever done. Now, we have you and it feels like life suddenly magnified by 200 percent. The joy is more than I had ever expected. The anticipation is at times so great that it's maddening. The fear is intense as I realize how much I have to lose. But, let me get back to the joy. It was the best birthday I've ever had because it was the first that I got to spend with my entire family. And it only became "entire" when we found out about little you.

You were changing me from the inside out.

You are bringing new feelings and sensations into my life. Yesterday I told a friend that I felt like the first woman who has ever been pregnant. I feel like it's impossible that this happens to people every day and I'm just learning about it. It is so miraculous. Every single fiber of you is being formed. And you rely on me, too, which makes me feel like I have a whole new purpose. I love it.

I remember people telling me I'd be "home-free" when I entered my second semester.

So time moves forward as I await the second trimester - when you are supposedly going to be safe. I doubt I will feel any different in the second trimester than I do now. I will probably feel exactly this way til you are old and gray. I'll always be pinching myself at the miracle of you, always thinking about you during many moments of my day, and always hoping you are safe, strong and happy.

Then, I saw you on the big screen.

. . . the doctor took us in the other room to do an ultrasound. You were dancing around, kicking your little feet, moving your little hands, swimming around in amniotic fluid. I couldn't believe my eyes. You looked like an actual baby. I looked at my stomach then looked at the monitor, trying to understand how a human could possibly be in there. It's such a miracle and honor and responsibility like I've never known. And I know this is only the beginning. The doctor called you crazy legs. I'm starting to think that maybe you're a boy.

I could barely stand the suspense on the day we found out if you were a boy or girl:

Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow we are finding out if you are a girl or a boy. I am trying to soak it all in. There is something sweet and special about not knowing your gender. To me now, you are just "baby." You are just a miracle, a blessing perfectly timed, a life changing addition to our lives. Tomorrow we may have more specific hopes and dreams for you. We may have a name for you. We may start thinking of you differently, perhaps more as a person than a concept or idea. Your gender changes nothing, yet it changes most everything. Not our love, not our gratitude. But definitely our perspective, definitely our direction, definitely the focus of our prayers. I don't really even fully know what I mean by all of this, I just know in my heart when I discover what you are, it's going to add another layer of wonderfulness to this whole journey.

Then, we heard the surprising news that you were a GIRL! I wrote about how we opened a card at the beach in Edmonds and read the words, "Congratulations, it's a girl."

Now, here comes the honest part. I paused for a few moments and said out loud, "Do we want a girl?" Your dad gave me a look and I quickly assured him that I was just kidding.

And then we found out a week later that you were actually a BOY. We had to return a lot of pink stuff, but I have to say ... it just seemed perfect. You were a boy. And we had to think of a name that would replace Lucy:

Dear Caleb,

Can I call you Caleb? Indulge me as I try it out. It's what we've been calling you for the last several weeks. I think that it just may stick.

I remember as the months of pregnancy rolled on, my fears began to fade as my faith increased:

I have no idea what will happen with us or what will happen with you. I know my prayer and I know that God is good. I know that He loves you perfectly and has great plans for you. We have a great responsibility as your parents, but He is the one who is in control of your life. Nothing can happen to you that he doesn't already know about and nothing will ever separate you from His love. When I think of this, it seems silly to be scared anymore.

As I saw the finish line come close to me, I began to realize some things.

It's so strange to think that at any moment, I could have a baby in my arms, in my home, with me every single day. I don't know if I even realize how much my life is going to change. I know I don't realize it. I am so anxious for you to get here, but at the same time, I need to really think about everything that will be different. I need to really appreciate the life I have right now . . . with just me and your dad because this time together is precious. We will never again be able to be so simple, so spontaneous, so free to go places and see people and do whatever we want. I have loved it. I love the freedom and fun we have as a couple ... and I know some of that is about to change.

And then. The night before I met you, I said this:

Caleb, tomorrow I will be able to see you and feel you and hear you and breathe you in after all this time waiting. I can't wait to see your face. I have no idea what you will look like. But just the thought gives me chills and butterflies and all sorts of wonderful feelings. I don't know what labor will be like. But I'm too happy to be scared. This is going to be the beginning of your time out in the world with us.

I want your life to be full of faith, joy and purpose. I want you to love passionately and live serving God and others. I want you to know that I loved you from the very beginning and you have completely changed me. I will live my life trying to be the very best for you. You have already been the very best for me. I couldn't be happier.

I'll see you soon, little man.

You were born. And many letters have been written since then. Our struggles, our stories, our everything.

We are about to mark a year of your life. I have loved going back to these days when I didn't know your chubby cheeks or your sweet lips or your harmonious laugh or the warmth of your head on my shoulder. I didn't know any of this and I was still madly in love.

You were always ours, Caleb B. I love you today, but it is so true ... I loved you then.

I remember.

Love,

Mom