ONE YEAR.

Dear Caleb,

For weeks I've thought about writing this letter. I didn't know how to begin it or end it or what would go in between. I knew I had so much to say and I wanted to say it right.

I've read blogs and books and articles from moms who try to describe their love for their children. The best, most honest description I've read is that it's indescribable. It's so true. I've searched for those adjectives, those phrases, those sayings. Anything that could sum up it all up. And I always fall short because I don't think such words exist.

You came into this world crying (a theme you continued steadily for several weeks). When I think of our first memory, I think of hearing your first cry and having tears everywhere around me. I couldn't help them or stop them and I didn't want to. It was love and relief and amazement and the most incomprehensible joy. I kept whispering "thank you God" over and over again.

You were precious. And so much work. It was the hardest, most important, most life-changing job I'd ever been given.

We learned and grew together. Sometimes we were patient and sometimes we weren't. Sometimes we followed the crowd and sometimes we just did it our own way. Every tear shed, every sleepless night, every mistake, everything. The road to today has been beautiful.

Before you existed I would often dream about what it would be like to be a mom. (Incidentally, in my dreams I was much more organized and patient and fun.)

It turns out that reality is a million times better than even my best dreams. It's amazing and humbling and miraculous to consider that God knew about you from the beginning.

I hold one year of your smiles, laughter, looks, cries and snuggles in my heart. I will hold them there forever.

God is good. And I knew this way before you, but it is only emphasized every time you smile. I melt. I stop what I'm doing. I catch my breath. So many times in day. You help me understand that the grace I've received is really truly nothing I ever deserved. And you remind me to be thankful for that.

You are only going to get older and this time we had where I measured your age in weeks and months is slowly slipping away. As I'm tempted to run backwards and live in my memories, there is so much of your life ahead and I can't wait to walk through it with you and see it all.

So today I am ready to celebrate a whole year behind us and so many more ahead. And even though you are not the best at listening now at 12 months old, I want you to listen up. I could never, ever have imagined that I'd have a son who I love so much, who can make me laugh hysterically, who can make me cry so unexpectedly, who makes the people around us be even more incredible than they already are, and who makes me so proud.

You've illuminated my world.

My buddy, my sweet love, my little man.

You have filled my heart with the indescribable.

Happy Birthday.

I'll love you forever and ever.

Mom