where my heart is.

i had an out-of-town work meeting this week. i won't lie. as i packed my suitcase, i thought about all the extra sleep i'd get at a hotel, and all the extra relaxing stuff i could do without interruptions. i packed magazines. and anticipated a long, hot shower. a night off with only myself to take care of and worry about.

and it turned out to be incredibly nice. my hotel was beautiful. the setting was beautiful. i had time to prepare for a big presentation in peace. i stayed up a little later, knowing i wouldn't be woken up until i wanted to be. i really liked it.

i mean REALLY liked it.

it helped knowing that caleb was in good (okay, better) hands with luke. and it helped knowing that it was just a quick trip.

the trip was fun, but it also helped reveal to me the obvious.

there is nowhere i'd rather be than with them. whether it's 4 a.m. or 5 p.m. whether we are tired and cranky or laughing until we can't breathe. it's always perfectly as it should be.

luke had texted me the above picture the morning of my presentation, and i found myself reaching for my phone without thinking and looking and this picture several times throughout my day. they really make me so happy.

when i was driving home on 1-5, just 30 mins before caleb should've been in bed, i sped a little and maneuvered through traffic and tried to get home so he could see me before he drifted off to sleep for the night. i was unsuccessful. but luke was holding him on the couch so i could at least see him. ah, that sweet little face made my entire day. and the fact that luke tried to keep him awake for me ... i loved that.

no matter what, it cannot be helped ... this is where my heart is.

unexpected love.

we got an unexpected surprise and got to spend a couple of hours with them at the airport. auntie mags, uncle david, caden and norah. we love, love, love you.







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my funny little man.

my child is hilarious. i'm not taking credit, i'm just saying. i don't fully understand how a human who can't even talk yet can make me laugh so hard.

seriously, if he keeps this up, i'm canceling our netflix subscription because watching him is more entertaining than just about anything.

take, for instance, his dance moves. he bobs his head, twirls his torso, squats and throws his hands up to the sky. and the best is when he does this all at the same time.

or the games he makes up that are actually really fun. or the way he signs, "more," ... it kills me every time. or how, when i'm holding an animal cracker, he'll sit right where he is and folds his hands politely in his lap and wait for it. or how he waves at commercials and birds and balloons and random people in the grocery store. or how he wants to run anywhere ... uphill, downhill, on concrete or on grass. or how slides are his favorite, the higher and more twisty and windy, the better. or how he makes up different ways to walk just for fun. or how he lines up all his rubber duckies in the tub. or how he says "RAR" at his polar bear and "eeee OH" at his monkey. or how he beams at the sight of turkey sausage. or how he sits in his car seat holding his blue's clue's ghetto blaster and sings. or how he walks around the house carrying his balloon. or how he gets that mischievous look in his eyes when he tries to pull one over on us. or how he's the loudest one on the playground. or how serious he is about mixing beats on his keyboard.

i could go on. and i will.

or how even his own laugh is so funny. it's completely infectious. his amazing little giggle. sometimes he laughs so hard that he goes silent and all you can see are those happy eyes, those sweet cheeks and that caleb b. smile frozen on his face.

his smile is like sunshine to me. it beams. it warms me to my core. it fills me up.

we even have inside jokes already. i know. how? i don't know.

he is goofy. he is playful. he is quirky. he is full of life. my little man with his big, crazy, curls. there is no one else like him.

and there's no one else can make me laugh quite like he can.

born again.

hope now

this song always catches me off guard. good days or bad, i always find myself in tears by the end.

"i'm not my own, i've been carried by you all my life."

so true.

every verse says it perfectly. especially the very end and that's usually where the tears really start falling.

"you've become my heart's desire. and i will sing your praises higher. cause your love sets me free, your love sets me free, your love sets me free."

now, how can i not get weepy over that?

i won.

When I took Caleb to his first doctor’s appointment his first week of life, I was terrified. Terrified that he’d hate the car ride there, that he’d cry in the otherwise quiet lobby, that I’d lose a stitch while I carried him in his car seat, that one of his vaccinations would poison him for life … just lots of sane, rational worries.

But then I met her. Dr. Rave (ra-vay). She was calm and soothing. She answered every one of my 398 questions patiently and never once told me I was crazy. She told us we were doing great.

She introduced us to the yoga ball. For those who don’t know. Bouncing with Caleb on a yoga ball was the only thing besides food that would soothe Caleb consistently for his first three months of life. I love that yoga ball. It changed my life.

And I owed it to Dr. Rave.

Every appointment confirmed that she was the perfect doctor for us. She was so sweet with Caleb, so gracious when we talked her ear off, and so generous with advice. And her nurses were wonderful. And the clinic was so clean and pristine and so close to home.

But then. I got a note from our HR department saying that we had to switch insurance providers. I was given two options. Thinking Dr. Rave was covered under the option I chose, I happily checked the box and went on with my day. Sadly, when the time came to schedule Caleb’s next appointment, we learned that I had a certain type of coverage that didn’t include Dr. Rave as a provider. Nor did it include any other doctor at her clinic.

I tried to look on the bright side. Just get a new doctor, right? There are tons of good ones out there. We are blessed to have good insurance. Just deal with it.

In the midst of trying to research doctors at this other clinic, Caleb got sick. It’s a long story, but the short version was we had a very bad experience with this other clinic. I couldn’t let it go. I told Luke that same day that we were going to get Dr. Rave back.

While we researched other options, which entailed paying hundreds more a month, I wrote a little letter to our health care provider, asking them to please, please let us switch back to our other insurance provider. I didn't know what to expect, but my hopes weren't that high. I contacted our HR rep probably once a week to see if she had heard anything ... and then ...

I got a letter in the mail and it began with the word, "congratulations." I can't tell you how excited I was. I wanted to scream and shout as if I'd won the lottery.

They let us switch back.

I hardly ever win anything. But this. This meant the world to me.

It came at the most perfect time, too. Just last week Caleb B. had pneumonia and it was no small thing that he got to see the doctor he knew and trusted again. Okay, so maybe he didn't care so much, but I did. Knowing that the doctors and nurses knew him and his history and that they knew and cared about us. It was huge.

So if this is the last thing I win in life ... okay ... no problem. I'll take it. Because ... this. was. huge.

sunny days.

crazy love.

image courtesy of google.

last year's mother's day was special because it was my first. this year, it just feels overwhelmingly sweet.

this past week, caleb had pneumonia. when i took him in for his chest x-ray, they had to put him in this torturous contraption. it was this thing that resembled a bicycle seat with two sides that closed up on either side of him, causing his arms to shoot up straight in the air. they let me hold his hands while they took the x-rays and, of course, he was so scared. he looked straight into my eyes through tears and yelled, "mama" over and over again. all i could do was grip his hands, look right at him and say over and over again, "you are going to be okay, baby, i promise."

the minute they said i could pick him up, i grabbed him and wrapped him in my arms, expecting him to cry for a long time. but he just rested his head on my shoulder, his arms enveloping me. when i brought his face to mine, he was even smiling. he knew he was safe again.

ah. what an honor. what a great gift. to get to love and protect this little one. to know that he trusts me. to get to be his mama. this little man makes me want to drop everything and do anything for him. he makes me laugh so hard without even saying a word. and i kid you not, in just one second ... one big lip, or one milestone, or one moment when he recognizes something you think he didn't ... it can produce an onslaught of tears. i've had many in 14 months. happy, sad, any kind of tears.

it's love. the most amazing, vulnerable, never-ending, craziest kind of love. thank you caleb b., for giving that to me.

and to our moms ... wishing you the happiest of days and appreciating your love, commitment and sacrifice more than ever.

on mother's day.

image courtesy of google.

mother's day isn't an easy day for everyone. for a lot of people it's a reminder of what they've lost or don't yet have. those who would give anything to be a mommy and are still waiting ... those who have lost their precious children ... and those who miss their mommies every day, but especially on days like today.

for a lot of people, it's not the day we see in commercials or read about in cards. it's not that day at all.

so, to these people ... please know that not only are you not forgotten, but you are thought of more than ever today. and you are very loved.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

zayana grace.

A couple weeks ago, I got to meet an angel.

She was sixteen weeks old. A head full of dark hair, much like Caleb’s when he was that age, clipped back in a delicate bow. Her stuffed Peter Rabbit toy rested in her arm. Perfect eyebrows. Softest skin. The most precious face you could imagine.

I could have looked at her for hours.

It was hard to believe we were in a hospital room. Hard to believe that we, along with several others, were there to say our good-byes to her. Because there were plenty of smiles in that room. There were happy stories and videos being shared of a miraculous life. There were two parents who not only graciously let us be there, but who encouraged us and reassured us and reminded us of God’s plan.

Let me tell you about her parents. They have been through more in the past year than many will ever go through in the lifetime. They were given hard news that their unborn daughter’s life would be full of challenges. They were faced with many uncertainties … many terrifying possibilities. But they stayed strong. They stayed hopeful. Their faith seemed to increase with each passing day, and it extended to everyone around them.

And when Baby Z was born in all of her beauty, the doctors didn't give her much time ... hours, maybe days. But they were thankful for any second they got to spend with her.

But she fought. She fought like crazy. And she defied so many odds.

Baby Z’s sixteen weeks of life were BIG. Huge, in fact. She brought out the very best in her parents. She inspired people and brought them to their knees. She proved that miracles happen and prayers matter. She made an undeniable impact and will forever leave her mark on this world and in people’s hearts.

At her memorial, her parents sang along with a crowd full of people:

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Wow.

And we remembered this:

Psalms 139:13

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

And we saw pictures of the most beautiful girl through this song, and this and this.

That last song and those lyrics will forever take on a new meaning for me:

"When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause girl you're amazing just the way you are.
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile.
Cause girl you're amazing just the way you are."

She was perfect in every single way. I know. I saw it. The face of an angel, and she took my breath away. And now she's in the arms of Jesus.

Thank you, Ernesto and Christina for sharing her with us. We have her in our hearts and she'll be there forever.

Follow Zayana's amazing legacy here.